Reaching wedding anniversary milestone takes real work
To mark the occasion, I’m posting this column, which I wrote for the January 2018 edition of Jewish Rhode Island of Providence, R.I., in which I shared some of what I learned from being married, at that time, for almost 30 years.
The advice remains sound.
This column was originally published in the January 2018 edition of Jewish Rhode Island of Providence, R.I.
Thirty years ago this Valentine’s Day, I proposed to my wife Lynne in my column in the newspaper where I was working. We were married later that year, and in October we will celebrate our 30th anniversary.
Thirty years certainly pales in comparison to being married 50, 60 or 75 years, but all of those milestones have one thing in common: Staying married for the long haul requires much more than the romantic version of love seen on Hallmark Channel movies.
While romance is appealing, the initial excitement has to translate into mature love and friendship and requires as many ingredients as found in your grandmother’s favorite kugel or chicken soup. After your wedding day, being together over the years while raising children requires patience, understanding, cooperation, empathy, putting your ego in check, knowing when to say nothing --- and a huge sense of humor.
It helps if you marry your best friend, but even then, you should live by these five guidelines:
1. Remember your anniversary, and her birthday, with flowers and an appropriate gift.
2. Don’t fear compromise or giving in; think of resolving conflicts as passing daily exams.
3. Even if you never learn how to fold towels or sheets properly, it still doesn’t hurt to wash your own clothes and run the dishwasher. Learn to wield a mean vacuum, and do more than just the expected, which is to take out the trash and recycling.
4. Bring home flowers once in a while when it’s not her birthday or Valentine’s Day.
5. Grooms who become husbands should learn to say “yes dear” a lot.
Chances are that those aren’t the types of things that you may be thinking of as you prepare to get married, or on your wedding day. You’re likely, at the moment, more concerned about those prenuptial meetings with your rabbi, trying to resolve the seating arrangements in a civil manner, book the hall, cut the guest list down to a manageable level, get a decent band and trying to book hotels for your out-of-town guests.
But amidst dealing with those details, you should definitely remember that you’re not just planning for one day, but for a lifetime. That’s why, whatever you wind up spending on your big day and the honeymoon – and there’s no fault in doing those economically – you should realize what should be obvious but is sometimes forgotten: Your wedding day will be only the beginning, not the end of the marriage experience.
After the wedding and honeymoon, you’ll come to realize that your life together will be epic at times, but also mundane, ordinary and tedious. You will face countless challenges (especially dealing with your parents and in-laws). Some things – like cleaning out your parents’ home – will be a struggle, and there will be days of utter joy and exuberance, but also times of sorrow and heartbreak.
You will share many simchas, first days of schools, bar and bat mitzvahs, graduations and eventually your kids’ weddings, but you will also have to mourn the passing of many loved ones, and one day you’ll look back at your wedding video and it will be bittersweet because of the people who are no longer alive.
You will, in short, experience life.
And that's why you’ll always hold your wedding day close to your heart and will regard it as the starting point for the greatest trip of your life.
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